Hayes and his colleagues have distilled these insights into seven skills for coping with loss. In more than a thousand studies over thirty-five years, theyve found that the acquisition of this skill set predicts whether people facing loss fall into anxiety, depression, trauma, substance abuseor whether they thrive. The first five skills involve acceptance of the bitter. First, we need to acknowledge that a loss has occurred; second, to embrace the emotions that accompany it. Instead of trying to control the pain, or to distract ourselves with food, alcohol, or work, we should simply feel our hurt, sorrow, shock, anger. Third, we need to accept all our feelings, thoughts, and memories, even the unexpected and seemingly inappropriate ones, such as liberation, laughter, and relief. Fourth, we should expect that sometimes well feel overwhelmed. And fifth, we should watch out for unhelpful thoughts, such as I should be over this, Its all my fault, and Life is unfair. Indeed, the ability to accept difficult emotionsnot just observe them, not just breathe through them, but actually, nonjudgmentally, accept themhas been linked repeatedly to long-term thriving.

Bittersweet by Susan Cain