But let me cut the list even further: its best to start with what, how, and sometimes why. Nothing else. Who, when, and where will often just get your counterpart to share a fact without thinking. And why can backfire. Regardless of what language the word why is translated into, its accusatory. There are very rare moments when this is to your advantage. The only time you can use why successfully is when the defensiveness that is created supports the change you are trying to get them to see. Why would you ever change from the way youve always done things and try my approach? is an example. Why would your company ever change from your long-standing vendor and choose our company? is another. As always, tone of voice, respectful and deferential, is critical.

Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss