But even though I loved being in water, I never enjoyed swim meets. It always seemed like they were imposing structure and stress on something that should have been freeing and fun. For example, going down a slide is awesome. But if you had to show up every day for slide practice at 7 A.M. and then compete against your best friend in slide competitions, while grown-ups screamed at you to slide better, until your friend won and you cried, slides would seem a lot less awesome. And yes, I cried after the 1994 breaststroke finals when the official said I lost even though technically I had a faster time. And yes, I was beaten by Steve Deppe. And yes, I just googled Steve Deppe and discovered he now runs a successful wealth management business in San Diego. And yes, his online corporate profile says, As a former athlete, Steve continues to exercise daily, whether its lifting weights, running, swimming, or playing sports. And yes, the fourth example he gave of exercise was sports. And yes, I just went out and bought goggles and a Speedo and went down to my local pool and didnt leave until I just went out and bought goggles and a Speedo and went down to my local pool and didnt leave until I swam a hundred laps, hoping that would be more laps than Steve Deppe swam today. BUT REALLY, WHO EVEN CARES ANYMORE, RIGHT??? NOT ME!!! ITS NOT A COMPETITION, EVEN THOUGH IM NOT EVEN MARRIED YET AND STEVE IS ALREADY THE PROUD FATHER OF HIS DAUGHTER, CAMRYN. PLUS, HES AN AVID SPORTS FAN, WHO NEVER MISSES HIS FAVORITE TV SHOW, SPORTSCENTER. WE GET IT STEVE, YOU FUCKING LOVE SPORTS!Anyway.

A Very Punchable Face by Colin Jost