That is, Yes is nothing without How. Asking How, knowing How, and defining How are all part of the effective negotiators arsenal. He would be unarmed without them. Ask calibrated How questions, and ask them again and again. Asking How keeps your counterparts engaged but off balance. Answering the questions will give them the illusion of control. It will also lead them to contemplate your problems when making their demands. Use How questions to shape the negotiating environment. You do this by using How can I do that? as a gentle version of No. This will subtly push your counterpart to search for other solutionsyour solutions. And very often it will get them to bid against themselves. Dont just pay attention to the people youre negotiating with directly; always identify the motivations of the players behind the table. You can do so by asking how a deal will affect everybody else and how on board they are. Follow the 7-38-55 Percent Rule by paying close attention to tone of voice and body language. Incongruence between the words and nonverbal signs will show when your counterpart is lying or uncomfortable with a deal. Is the Yes real or counterfeit? Test it with the Rule of Three: use calibrated questions, summaries, and labels to get your counterpart to reaffirm their agreement at least three times. Its really hard to repeatedly lie or fake conviction. A persons use of pronouns offers deep insights into his or her relative authority. If youre hearing a lot of I, me, and my, the real power to decide probably lies elsewhere. Picking up a lot of we, they, and them, its more likely youre dealing directly with a savvy decision maker keeping his options open. Use your own name to make yourself a real person to the other side and even get your own personal discount. Humor and humanity are the best ways to break the ice and remove roadblocks.

Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss