Imagine yourself in your counterparts situation. The beauty of empathy is that it doesnt demand that you agree with the other persons ideas (you may well find them crazy). But by acknowledging the other persons situation, you immediately convey that you are listening. And once they know that you are listening, they may tell you something that you can use. The reasons why a counterpart will not make an agreement with you are often more powerful than why they will make a deal, so focus first on clearing the barriers to agreement. Denying barriers or negative influences gives them credence; get them into the open. Pause. After you label a barrier or mirror a statement, let it sink in. Dont worry, the other party will fill the silence. Label your counterparts fears to diffuse their power. We all want to talk about the happy stuff, but remember, the faster you interrupt action in your counterparts amygdala, the part of the brain that generates fear, the faster you can generate feelings of safety, well-being, and trust. List the worst things that the other party could say about you and say them before the other person can. Performing an accusation audit in advance prepares you to head off negative dynamics before they take root. And because these accusations often sound exaggerated when said aloud, speaking them will encourage the other person to claim that quite the opposite is true. Remember youre dealing with a person who wants to be appreciated and understood. So use labels to reinforce and encourage positive perceptions and dynamics.

Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss