In the wake of trauma, the hardest thing to understand is that nothing and no one can take away the pain. And yet thats exactly what we desperately want to do-because we are social creatures, subject to emotional contagion, and when were around people who are hurting, we hurt too. We dont want to hurt. It is hard to sit in the midst of ruined lives and not feel the misery. It helps us regulate to try to undo or negate-to look away from others pain. So we make our arbitrary assumptions about peoples innate resilience. We make our sweeping declarations that allow us to marginalize traumatized children. We take our focus off the tragedy, move on with our lives, telling ourselves that they will be okay. But as we continue to see in our discussions, the impact of trauma doesnt simply fade away. We can help each other heal, but often assumptions about resilience and grit blind us to the healing that leads us down the painful path to wisdom.

What Happened To You? by Bruce D. Perry