Top highlights from Set Boundaries, Find Peace
The ability to say no to yourself is a gift. If you can resist your urges, change your habits, and say yes to only what you deem truly meaningful, youll be practicing healthy self-boundaries. Its your responsibility to care for yourself without excuses.
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Tell people what you need.
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Focusing on how others might respond is one way we ruminate, which impacts our ability to act.
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We don't naturally fall into perfect relationship; we create them
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Boundaries to Consider I say no to things I dont like. I say no to things that dont contribute to my growth. I say no to things that rob me of valuable time. I spend time around healthy people. I reduce my interactions with people who drain my energy. I protect my energy against people who threaten my sanity. I practice positive self-talk. I allow myself to feel and not judge my feelings. I forgive myself when I make a mistake. I actively cultivate the best version of myself. I turn off my phone when appropriate. I sleep when Im tired. I mind my business. I make tough decisions because theyre healthy for me. I create space for activities that bring me joy. I say yes to activities that interest me despite my anxiety about trying them. I experience things alone instead of waiting for the right people to join me.
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How they treat you is about who they are, not who you are.
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We cant create more time, but we can do less, delegate, or ask for help.
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The hardest thing about implementing boundaries is accepting that some people wont like, understand, or agree with yours. Once you grow beyond pleasing others, setting your standards becomes easier. Not being liked by everyone is a small consequence when you consider the overall reward of healthier relationships.
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anxiety. Its often triggered by setting unrealistic expectations, the inability to say no, people-pleasing, and the inability to be assertive.
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Unspoken boundaries are invisible, and they often sound like They shouldve known better or Common sense would say... Common sense is based on our own life experiences, however, and it isnt the same for everyone. Thats why its essential to communicate and not assume that people are aware of our expectations in relationships. We must inform others of our limits and take responsibility for upholding them.
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Those of us who are people-pleasers assume that others wont like it when we advocate for what we want. Therefore, we pretend to go along in an effort to be accepted by others. But healthy people appreciate honesty and dont abandon us if we say no.
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Nothing other people do is because of you. Its because of themselves. All people live in their own dream and their own mind. Even when words seem personal, such as a direct insult, they really have nothing to do with you. I constantly work with my clients to depersonalize events and interactions with others. When we personalize, we negate the personal story and history of the other people involved. Personalizing assumes that everything is about us.
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Defensive people arent listening while youre talking; theyre personalizing what you say and crafting a response. Their response has much more to do with them than it does with you. They are focused only on getting their needs met and resisting any change in your dynamic. But healthy relationships are not one-sided. The needs of both individuals are equally important.
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Discomfort is a part of the process.
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To determine if your expectations are reasonable, consider this: 1. Whose standard am I trying to meet? 2. Do I have the time to commit to this? 3. Whats the worst thing that could happen if I dont do this? 4. How can I honor my boundaries in this situation?
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Its hard to change your habits if you never change the underlying beliefs that led to your past behavior. You have a new goal and a new plan, but you havent changed who you are.James Clear
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We can be traumatized by what we observe someone else experience
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family relationships with weak boundaries, lack of emotional separation, and intrusive demands for support or attention that prevent family members from developing a strong and independent sense of self.
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Setting boundaries is not a betrayal of your family, friends, partner, work, or anyone or anything else.
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Have you ever been excited about something? Of course you have. You didnt stop everything because of it, right? You didnt miss work. You didnt stay in bed all day. You did whatever was usually on your agenda, but you felt excited at the same time. You can also carry on with your life while feeling guilty.
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Of course we have no way of knowing how someone else will respond to our assertiveness. When someone has a history of rage and anger, its understandable that we would avoid setting limits with that person. But we victimize ourselves further when we let our fear prevent us from doing what we need to do.
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If you experience any of the above, know that the damage wasnt caused by your boundary. The relationship was already unhealthy, and your boundary brought to the surface the issues that needed to be addressed. Setting limits wont disrupt a healthy relationship.
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Remember: there is no such thing as guilt-free boundary setting. If you want to minimize (not eliminate) guilt, change the way you think about the process. Stop thinking about boundaries as mean or wrong; start to believe that theyre a nonnegotiable part of healthy relationships, as well as a self-care and wellness practice.
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There is no belief so strong that it cannot be set aside temporarily to learn from someone who disagrees
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prolonging issues by avoiding them means the same issues will reappear over and over again,
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Long-term resentment affects how we perceive the intentions of others.
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it isnt helpful to say youre sorry about setting a boundary. Remember that people benefit from you not having limits. You have to look out for yourselfno excuses required.
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Friends are your chosen family, and these relationships should bring ease, comfort, support, and fun to your lifenot excess drama.
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It may be hard to just listen without offering advice as people share their problems, but this is often the best support we can give.
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People dont know what you want. Its your job to make it clear. Clarity saves relationships.
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Neglecting self-care is the first thing to happen when we get caught up in our desire to help others.
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Fear is not rooted in fact. Fear is rooted in negative thoughts and the story lines in our heads.
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People who have been abused find it especially challenging to believe that others will be willing to meet their expectations.
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According to Celeste Headlee, author of We Need to Talk: To have important conversations, you will sometimes have to check your opinions at the door. There is no belief so strong that it cannot be set aside temporarily to learn from someone who disagrees. Dont worry; your beliefs will still be there when youre done.
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It is necessary, and even vital, to set standards, for your life and the people you allow in it. Mandy Hale
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avoidance is a fear-based response.
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Its true that setting boundaries isnt easy. Paralyzing fear about how someone might respond can easily hold us back. You might play out awkward interactions in your mind and prepare yourself for the worst possible outcome. But trust me: short-term discomfort for a long-term healthy relationship is worth it every time!
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I suggested that Erica start asking herself Why is this important to me? and do only what is most important. Sometimes we do things that arent important to us but that we believe maintain a particular image of good parent or person who has it all together.
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short-term discomfort for a long-term healthy relationship is worth it
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When domestic violence is present in a relationship, telling friends or family about the abuse can seem like a betrayal to your partner. You might be aware that your partners behavior is inappropriate, but you still may not be ready to leave. Telling someone could prompt others to push you to act.
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El miedo no se basa en los hechos. El miedo se basa en los pensamientos negativos y en las tramas que nos inventamos en nuestras cabezas.
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If youre feeling guilty, here are some reminders: Its healthy for you to have boundaries. Other people have boundaries that you respect. Setting boundaries is a sign of a healthy relationship. If boundaries ruin a relationship, your relationship was on the cusp of ending anyway.
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Los lmites no son de sentido comn; hay que ensearlos. En el trabajo, los transmiten el departamento de recursos humanos, la cultura laboral y los jefes. Cuando alguien tiene miedo a perder el trabajo, sin embargo, cuesta mucho implementar lmites.
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los lmites no son muros. Un muro te aparta de una persona, mientras que los lmites le ensean cmo mantener una relacin contigo.
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Avoidance is a passive-aggressive way of expressing that you are tired of showing up. Hoping the problem will go away feels like the safest option, but avoidance is a fear-based response. Avoiding a discussion of our expectations doesnt prevent conflict. It prolongs the inevitable task of setting boundaries. Thoughts of fleeingI wish I could drop everything and run awayare a sign of extreme avoidance. Fantasies of spending your days alone, ignoring calls, or hiding means you are seeking
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In a toxic work environment, your emotional and mental health status is put in jeopardy.
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environment
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Avoidance is a passive-aggressive way of expressing that you are tired of showing up. Hoping the problem will go away feels like the safest option, but avoidance is a fear-based response. Avoiding a discussion of our expectations doesnt prevent conflict. It prolongs the inevitable task of setting boundaries.
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boundaries are not walls. A wall keeps people out, while boundaries show people how to exist in a relationship with you.
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Its vital not to take ownership of how others treat you or to make excuses for their behavior. How they treat you is about who they are, not who you are.
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Assume that people know only what you tell them, honor only what you request, and can't read your mind.
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The bottom line is that you dont have to have relationships with types of people you dont like. Doing so is a choice. At least to some degree, you can curate and create the types of relationships you want by adhering to boundaries that will make your life easier.
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People who exhibit strong signs of being disagreeable, such as always having to be right, arguing over small details, or struggling to accept differences in others, are more likely to push back against boundaries.
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Its okay for me to feel how I feel in any situation.
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Your father is verbally aggressive. He says you caused him to become angry because you didnt listen to him. After the verbal attacks, he becomes affectionate and buys you small gifts.
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Mental health issues are not the cause of an inability to say no, be assertive, and advocate for ourselves.
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If you experience depression, it can be helpful to set boundaries about how many things you expect yourself to do in a single day.
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Its okay for a small child to set limits like not eating meat or feeling uncomfortable around certain people. Parents who respect those boundaries make space for their children to feel safe and loved, and they reinforce the positive habit of articulating needs. When parents ignore these preferences, children feel lonely, neglected, and like their needs dont matterand they will likely struggle with boundaries as adults.
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When youre unable to leave work at the office, disconnect on vacation, or shut off from work at a certain hour, you ignore your own boundaries at the expense of your well-being and often the well-being of your family.
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If you want to feel guilty, set a limit with your family.
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